Wednesday, 4 February 2009


I never knew there would be so much literature on adultery...

...I don't know why. I just didn't. But lo and behold...thousands of books...accounts, advice, justifications, even tips. God forbid Hubby should stumble upon my Amazon wish-list :)

The most interesting one, by far, is Mira Kirschenbaum's 'When Good People Have Affairs'. It's widely recognised as being a decent, relatively-unbiased guide for people trying to understand the reasons for their partner's infidelity (although some partners leave less-than-informed, see angry review from scorned wife on Amazon). Obviosuly, a book seemingly justifying the idea of having an affair is going to receieve a backlash, but it's actually very good. I found out about it when I heard an interview on the radio the other day with an IllicitEncounters representative - she took a statistic from the book that almost shocked me - 60% of married men and 40% of married women will, at some point, engage in extra-marital sex.

Seems I'm not alone after all.

It's funny, since I've joined I keep seeing the website everywhere. I don't think they advertise (how could they???) but they have a lot of PR in magazines and papers. I genuinely think it's growing. I can't say I'm surprised. On every street in every town there seems to be a down-trodden wife or a neglected husband. Maybe, when you're on my side of the fence, you can see it more clearly.

So, anyway - the second book, The Handbook for the Other Woman, is fantastic. I bought it last week on a whim. Hilarious, but most importantly, light-hearted, it's not everyone's cup of tea. It puts the subject in an odd light, and you can't take it seriously at all, but right now, that's what I'm looking to read. Human beings are ridiculous - it feels good to laugh at myself and my crazy situation.

James and I haven't been in contact for a few days. I'm getting that I-wonder-if-he's-texted-I'll-just-check-oh-no-he-hasn't-well-maybe-he's-busy-or-maybe-I-missed-his-call-is-my-phone-on-silent? feeling. That's the funny thing about modern technology. It's suposed to make contact easier, but the truth is, the more ways there are for someone to contact, the more contact you need. We wrap ourselves in man-made constraints. Maybe I should suggest we write Lady-Chaterly-esque letters to one another?

Maybe not.

1 comment:

girlinthemiddle said...

I know what you mean about the modern tech situation. I stumbled upon illicit encounters whilst on the rebound from an affair with a single guy who actually gave me a phone to call him on! imagine the situation...two phones, and me desperately trying to hide one all the time LOL. Things got to be like a shakespearian comedy.

I say I was on the rebound and I was...badly! Like so many marriages, mine is both functional but defunct. It's not that we don't have sex, its more that the passion is well and truly dead and more often than not I'm just going through the motions out of a sense of duty. Too much water under the bridge I guess. Too many disappointments. I blame literature myself...we're sold a totally bum rap! Incidentally, have you noticed how much romantic literature ends with a marriage...wuthing heights, pride and prejudice, Friends!!! Are they trying to tell us something!!! I wonder if Friends will start up again if the main characters get divorced? LOL

I'd often fantasised about having an affair - the way you do when you're driving to work having dropped the kids off at school - but always felt so tired and run down that I couldn't envisage anyone ever being interested in me. Meeting X changed my whole life. It was quite literally like being reborn and learning to breath for the first time. Colours became blindingly vivid in sunlight. Funny how romance changes everything.

But he was single...and it wasn't fair. He needed so much more than I could give and the relationship ended with him resenting me which hurt like nothing on this earth. Yet there was no way I was going to break up my childrens home...not for anyone...not even my own happiness. I have no right to do that? I've made my bed and I am quite literally lying in it. there I was last summer, still feeling blue after nearly six months and needing an escape valve - something to relieve the emptiness. Enter Illicit you Shell, I was overwhelmed at first and quickly became addicted (ahem!) but there was one guy who stood out. Call it gut feeling if you like. I won't go into the details...thats for me to know and everyone else to wonder...but it was just what I needed right there and then.

Its over now though, which has left me feeling sad even though the situation became untenable and frankly quite ridiculous and we split was amicably - Which brings be full circle and back to the issue of mobile communication. Its really easy to find yourself waiting for those much coverted mobile get lost in the I-think-I'll-just-check-my-phone-to-see-if-he's-called-or texted syndrome, lose touch with reality a bit, and drop the ball a little too often in the real world. So my advice to everyone using this site is this...enjoy the thrill, the exitement, but never lose site of the fact that it is just fantasy made real...and in all reality it probably won't last very long. Having said that, I wouldn't have missed it for the world, firstly because it was fun and secondly because it helped me to recover completely from the rebound blues! In fact, its enabled me to find out more about myself, who I am and what I want for me...regardless of who I may or may not be seeing (empty space at the mo but not unhappy about it). I guess its just nice to know on those days when you wake up feeling like your mum,that not everyone in the world sees you that way.

Good luck the blog...would love to chat with you LOL xxx