Monday, 17 January 2011

Taking a break

I just got some time away from work to read the responses of a few regular readers, and am just letting you know I'm taking a little break from the blog. I'm finding it a bit tough to read lot of stuff saying I'm lying about who I am, and have changed. Like I said in my previous post, I realise the original post I wrote was a bit harsh, and I thought I'd responding to your queries as best I could. Sadly, this is obviously not the case, so I'm going to take some time out.


Monday, 10 January 2011

In response to previous posters...

Have read all responses to my last post, here's my response.

First of all, thanks for reading and responding. It saddens me to think that any regular followers are feeling a disconnection from me, so I hope that I can begin to clear things up here.

Not, at any point, have I said having an affair was a good idea, or the 'nice' option. Cheating for me has now become the only way for me to keep things ticking over. This is of course sad. I don't expect it to work for everyone, in every situation, but my marriage as improved all round, and that is non-negotiable. I am not kidding myself that I will not be found out - I take every precaution I can in my everyday life, but I am not a fool, nor am I "naiive". As any regular readers will know, I have struggled with my decisions before now. It's not like I just upped and decided to go shag someone else. I stewed for 9 years.

I really resent the suggestion that my husband has become an 'ignorable' part of my life. Considering I see my lover maximum twice a month, contacting him a few times a week - and the fact that I decided mutually to end my previous relationship for fear that it would enshadow my marriage - this is far from the truth. I love my husband, and we spend the majority of our time together. This blog was intended for me to document my extramarital experiences, and to vent my feelings of frustration and loss, but please do not allow that to make you think that is all I feel for my husband.

In truth, I adore him. I hate that I can't use his name right now. He is kind and funny and well-read and empathic and incredibly grounded and, believe it or not, still very very attractive to me. I want and need to share my body with him, but he makes it clear to me that he is not interested physically.

In response to Matt, I really don't know how I would feel if I discovered he was cheating, simply because no one ever really knows. I think my first decision would be to sit down and talk about it. I can't imagine that it would feel anything other than horrible, though I believe my experiences up until now would help me to understand his reasoning a little better. To empathise more. In short, I care about him, and if he made a decision to start seeing someone behind my back, I would just want to listen to his reasons for doing so. I was cheated on before in the past, both in long-term relationships, and so can see this as the only appropriate response. Listen and try to understand.

I do appreciate that I am, by talking about my personal situation on national television, encouraging this kind of criticism, so, in hindsight, I realise my initial bloggetary response was a tad ridiculous. I think calling it a "tantrum" is surely exaggerated - I've just read it back and, though I'm angry, none of the points I make are vitriolic or badly-argued. Everyone, including me, has to remember that one never reads or interprets neutrally - our own beliefs and experiences penetrate until nothing is objective.

Just to clarify, I do not work for IE, though I do have quite a close relationship with Rosie, as she's been very supportive on a personal level since the blog was brought to her attention. I was not paid to go on This Morning, but Ro suggested it and I agreed. I was also wearing a wig in the show, and had my voice disguised. I haven't done any radio, so don't know where that came from.

Friday, 7 January 2011

Pissed off

Mia just sent me this.

I was originally going to join this forum and respond to some of the acerbic comments that the posters had left, but it is Friday afternoon and I'm already wearing my lazy weekend hat. So, my reply is going here.

Bear in mind, first, that many of the ladies using Mumsnet are mums, with very strong ideas of what it means to be a family. I certainly do not expect them all to agree with what I'm doing...

...But. People's lack of understanding and empathy is a constant shock to me. Fundamentally, no one can prescribe a solution for anyone else's situation. Even if that person is, like me, married for 10 years, under-sexed and overworked, this does not mean their experiences and feelings reflect mine. Some people's marriages are rehabilitated by therapy. Some are helped by books. And a small percentage are helped by one partner's decision to take a lover.

I'm afraid this is inarguable. These women and men with their blanket solutions may speculate about the effects of my affair, but if any of them knew me or my husband, they would find themselves uncomfortably back-tracking. Yes, I have to tell lies, and yes, that is not ideal. But when is anything 'ideal'? There is less resentment, there is less tension, and we are both happier. Frankly, after years of openly trying to reach this point with open honest discussion and professional help, I am just relieved things are okay finally.

I am in no way suggesting that having an affair is the solution to the majority of marital problems. But to suggest that discussion, out-and-out honesty and professional intervention are the solutions to all marital problems is just as ridiculous. I personally believe in the ethics of responsibility, rather than the idea that doing the socially-accepted 'good thing' in all situation is always the most beneficial option. My marriage is better because I have a lover. Go figure.

Wednesday, 5 January 2011

This Morning

Frankly, this was terrifying, and I sort of wish I'd had longer to talk, but I think I did okay. Phew.

(And I got their autographs ;))

I can't actually believe I did this.