Friday, 29 May 2009

Food for thought.

This video is pretty great. The one thing that stuck out for me, though, is that statistic about dating sites.

It's funny how, 10 years ago, telling someone you met your partner on a dating site would probably be met with lots of whispering and sniggering. But look! We're no longer saddos! In fact - it turns out that meeting people over the internet, despite previous worries about safety, is actually a bloody good idea.

Take that, critics. We were ahead of the curve. *Smokes imaginary cigar*

Tuesday, 26 May 2009

Off the boil.

How odd this is. James and I seem to have slowed down. We have been seeing each other regularly, but since things with Hubby have been better, and Andrew and I have been having the odd casual shag after work, I have begun to loose interest.

Is this wrong? I'm starting to see that, although James and I get on, it is Hubby who is my true love. Andrew is new, and thus exciting, but things have settled into an strangely stayed routine with James and now I'm realising that this is the beginning of the end. Not that I mind - it was fun while it lasted, and our relationship made me realise a few things. First, that my husband really isn't the boneheaded, lazy oaf that I had begun to think of him as. Secondly, that, however true this may be, the happiness of my marriage is directly related to how much good quality loving I'm getting, and although I love my husband dearly, his efforts are unlikely to ever be enough.

It is probably that I will continue to have these kind of relationship throughout the rest of my marriage. But, soon, I think I will be having "the Talk" with James.

In other news, I think I might be hosting my blog on IE soon. Will keep you posted...

Friday, 22 May 2009

If donkeys could type.

Spent the morning half working and half cheekily browsing IllicitEncounters. I'm just about to log off when one guy pops up on my messenger...

"Hi sexy!" he says.

I dispute this immediately. My photos on the site are password protected, and I doubt I would have accidentally given my combination to man called 'MrBig69'.

"Hi." I reply.

"Fancy sum fun?" he says.

"Of what variety?" I ask.

"I want 2 touch ur boobs and lick ur nipples" he says.

For a second, I feel the conversation has been hijakced by some giggling 16 years old. Boobs? Who on earth uses the word 'boobs' in a seduction attempt? Breasts, tits even...but not 'boobs'. I feel it is time for some mockery.

"Yes, that sounds like jolly good fun. How about you put your joystick in my fun hole, and we can play musical bumps all night?"

"You're making me hot, stop" he says.

MrBig69 actually typed "your making me hot", but the language fascist in me had to correct him, for fear of being smited (smiten?) by the Grammar Gods. Real pet hate of mine.

"I'm glad", I say. "I'd love to watch you butter my muffin with your huge tub of marge. Maybe even eat some of my raisins. Do you like raisins?"

"Yes" he pants, virtually.

"I bet you do, you naughty boy" I say. "I want you to hit me with your rhythm stick. Tune my radio. Service my boiler. Preheat my oven to 190..."

"Wud luv 2" he types. Possibly one handed. Ergh. I get bored with inuendo and decide to express my sheer agony over the depth of the conversation.


"Did u cum?" asks MrBig.

At this point, I log off.

Tuesday, 19 May 2009


I knew that'd make you look.

I am in fact referring to myself. I am, ladies and gents, a pussy.

Quiet in the back!

Anyway. This last week has been mad. I have been running around like a blue-arsed fly, trying to attend to my three lovers, while leaving enough time for breathing and eating. Sleeping hasn't really featured.

I saw Hubby all day Saturday. James really wanted to see me in the evening so I made my excuses and we had a brief meeting from 7 to 9 (passed it off as dinner with a friend, as usual). When I got back, I had a quick shower and rolled into bed. Hubby woke me up at 2 in the morning for another session.

On Monday, at work, Andrew keeps giving me the eye. We take a sneaky lunch break and make out like rabbits on the fire escape. He starts saying he wants to see me somewhere other than work, so we arrange something for Wednesday evening. On Tuesday after work, James picks me up after work...he actually picks me up in the next road because I deliberately go to Tesco. Can you imagine if James found out about Andrew??? Disaster.

Without anywhere to go, James and I find a quiet countryside lane way out of town and spend some "quality time" in the car.

...hang on. Out of sheer narcissism I was browsing through my first couple of posts. I don't even sound like the same woman.

Wow. This lifestyle really has changed me. For better or worse? All I know is the bags under my eyes are much bigger, and I own way over the recommended dose of kinky undies.

Friday, 15 May 2009


Rosie just sent me this. Nice one girl. Haha.

Wednesday, 13 May 2009

Very helpful...

Obviously has particular resonance for me, but applicable in lots of situations. I'm sure some people in IE could do with watching this.

Friday, 8 May 2009

Worn out.

The last week has been a bit mad.

Since my little moment with New Boy on Monday, it feels as if I have been tossed between lovers like an catamaran in a tsunami.

Told Hubby that I was going for drinks with Janine from work (my terrified colleague has become quite the little albi), and snuck off for a few stolen hour with James. Decided it was best not to tell him about shagging Andrew, as that might paint me as a bit of a hussy. I obviously am a hussy, but forgive me for not wanting to look like one.

2 hours of slap and tickle later, I'm back, squeaky clean from the shower and in bed, when Hubby rolls over (a rarity).

"Call in sick tomorrow" he says.
"Why?" I say.
"Just do" he says.

So, at 7 in the morning I call in saying I'm feeling fluey and need to stay at home. Swine flu pandemic means they can't really say anything (handy). At 9.30, Hubby wakes me up with full English breakfast and a bunch of flowers.

"Thought you might need a pick-me-up. Eat that, then get ready. And wear something you can walk in" he says.

Where has this man been all my life!? I think Hubby must have put my tiredness down to over-working (which is sort of accurate). Anyway, he took me to the zoo! It was a bit of a dull day, but we had lots of fun. Particularly amusing was the llamas mating. I imagine that's what it looks like when two supermodels have sex- all jutting limbs and awkward thrusting. Hilarious.

At home, he prepared a meal (again, a serious rarity) of steak and tatties. Yum. And then (shock horror) dragged me off to bed for some exhausting love-making.

Maybe he can tell that there's competition afoot, but this was truly the most romantic, passionate day I have ever spent with him. Crazy. I woke up this morning hung over but happy, and trudged into work looking like a bit of a skank. I have a feeling this is going to become a regularity.

As I type, Andrew is peering at me over his laptop. Swoon.

Wednesday, 6 May 2009

Hot Secretaries, Vol. 2

My life briefly resembled an 80's porno.

On Monday evening, Andrew (aka New Boy) and I were working late. I'm not sure if, in Blog on the Land's words, we "engineered" it...we probably did, even if it wasn't conscious.

Anyway, I've been trying to implicate this new filing system in the office which has taken me days to do. Boxes all over my office, regular trips to the store cupboard.

Andrew has been walking around the office moving things and sorting pencils, but I'm pretty sure he doesn't have anything to do. His laptop is running but when he sits in front of it I have the distinct feeling he's on Facebook. So Shelly does something very un-Shelly like...

"Shouldn't you be off home? You've obviously got nothing to do."

"Oh, you noticed", says Andrew, getting up. He comes round to the front of his desk and tries to perch casually (hilarious).

"Well, you can either go home, or give me a hand." I say, picking up some files. "There's a box marked F-H over there. Grab that and follow me"

As soon as the words come out of my mouth I know what I'm doing. I walk towards the door, and down the corridor. My hands are shaking and I've got the strange mixture of excitement and peril in my stomach. Everything else happens like I'm watching a late-night movie about my life. Like I'm sat in an empty theatre in my head.

I reach the store room, and as soon as I get in, turn around and drop the files on the floor. Andrew comes around the corner, looks at the files on the floor, steps tentatively over them and kisses me. He has the hands of a randy 16 year old, which makes a change to the usual 60 year old libido I'm used to. The kisses are coming thick and fast, and somehow I'm topless and pressed up against a filing cabinet. Andrew is more toned than I imagined - I watch his muscles move as he helps me up onto the top of the cabinet. He takes my tights and shoes off and...well, us IE members are all in possession of an active imagination - I don't think I have to go any further.

This is the first time, since a tryst at a dinner party with an ex about 12 years ago, I have fucked someone. As opposed to "made love". It's not a word you would hear Mrs Sutton utter in real life, but for some reason I feel like those reading this probably know exactly what I mean.

It's going to be hard not to go back for more. Today we kept exchanging glances (he was away yesterday)...although we haven't spoken since. The tension is killing me.

And I'm meant to be seeing James tonight. Christ.

Friday, 1 May 2009

Tipping point

Dangerous, this is. I didn't really expect this.

Yesterday I went for drinks after work with a few colleagues. New Boy was there (that's a given - there was beer, and a terrified intern). We've been steadily flirting for the last month, but since really thinking about it (and taking on the advice of my internet 'homies') I decided it would go no further.

We got talking. We got slowly drunker and drunker until everyone else just left. I'm trying to remember the topics of conversation, but the easier the words come, the easier they go. Turns out that he's at a dead end. I didn't know, but Andrew (his real name) has been together with his long term partner for about 6 years. They live together. I had absolutely no idea.

But he's not happy. Everything in his life has leveled out - he hates his job, regardless of how well it's going. He pissed his life away to normalcy. His girlfriend has been suggesting babies and marriage, which make him want to run in the opposite direction. It sounded like him only knew what he didn't want.

Something happened last night. We all know the feeling. Verging on painful, where you realise you both want each other and it's never going to happen. Your chest tightens and your stomach flips over. No one has made me feel this much like a little girl since my mother. Knowing you can't makes you want it more, but your conscience stops you short and you nip to the loo and then leave with a quick goodbye.

It reminds me of a boy at school I was in love with for about 3 years. He didn't know my name - I knew everything about him. He was a year younger than me, long hair, poor family. But absolutely beautiful. Alex, his name was. He was a thug and tearaway, arrogant and rude, with this soft side to him that I saw floating under the ice every now and then. One day I remember waking up in my bed, already crying, thinking about the fact that whatever I did, he was never going to love me back.

I think he knows that I want him. But I've already got too much to juggle, without getting a new ball...

...wink wink, nudge nudge.