Friday, 1 May 2009

Tipping point

Dangerous, this is. I didn't really expect this.


Yesterday I went for drinks after work with a few colleagues. New Boy was there (that's a given - there was beer, and a terrified intern). We've been steadily flirting for the last month, but since really thinking about it (and taking on the advice of my internet 'homies') I decided it would go no further.

We got talking. We got slowly drunker and drunker until everyone else just left. I'm trying to remember the topics of conversation, but the easier the words come, the easier they go. Turns out that he's at a dead end. I didn't know, but Andrew (his real name) has been together with his long term partner for about 6 years. They live together. I had absolutely no idea.

But he's not happy. Everything in his life has leveled out - he hates his job, regardless of how well it's going. He pissed his life away to normalcy. His girlfriend has been suggesting babies and marriage, which make him want to run in the opposite direction. It sounded like him only knew what he didn't want.

Something happened last night. We all know the feeling. Verging on painful, where you realise you both want each other and it's never going to happen. Your chest tightens and your stomach flips over. No one has made me feel this much like a little girl since my mother. Knowing you can't makes you want it more, but your conscience stops you short and you nip to the loo and then leave with a quick goodbye.

It reminds me of a boy at school I was in love with for about 3 years. He didn't know my name - I knew everything about him. He was a year younger than me, long hair, poor family. But absolutely beautiful. Alex, his name was. He was a thug and tearaway, arrogant and rude, with this soft side to him that I saw floating under the ice every now and then. One day I remember waking up in my bed, already crying, thinking about the fact that whatever I did, he was never going to love me back.



I think he knows that I want him. But I've already got too much to juggle, without getting a new ball...

...wink wink, nudge nudge.

8 comments:

Serial Mistress said...

Juggling is a talent, but fun to learn. At the moment you're juggling a couple of tennis balls (so to speak) but adding another ball wouldn't kill you, unless that ball was a Bowling Ball or actually a chain saw :)

Watch Britains got Talent tonight, there is bound to be a bad juggler on there somewhere, with a bowling ball, a chainsaw and an egg lol. But no matter how good/bad the juggling is, its always entertaining!!! :)

Since when was it bad to have 'entertainment' in your life? :)

Blog On The Land said...

I think you should go for it. Agree with Serial Mistress, but only as a shag, rather than someting long term. Sexercise is always healthy, the government is always encouraging us to sexercise more, or have I got this wrong? :-)

Kevin said...

Sorry, SM and Blog, I disagree with you both. Shelly, you seem to have such a great thing going at the moment with James and hubby, and as you said in a previous posting, your life seems to be perfectly in balance. I think adding another pair of balls (let's get this double entendre right, guys!) to your juggling might have all kinds of unexpected consequences and bring the whole house of cards crashing down. How's that for mixing metaphors? Seriously, sometimes it is better to fantasize about what might have been, rather than regret what was...

Serial Mistress said...

But Kevin, isn't it better to regret the things you did rather than the things you didn't do? :)

Its whether Shelly can cope taking on an extra ball, and if she considers him to be another tennis ball, a bowling ball or a chainsaw.

If she's tempted and the connnection seems so electric, isn't it better to try it and find it wasn't worth the effort? Than wonder about it, and fantasise to a point where it starts affecting the rest of her life?

Kevin said...

I didn't say one should never juggle an extra ball - or even a chainsaw - but I have a gut feeling that it would be wrong in this case. The biggest problem is that this would be an affair at work, and those are far harder to hide than internet affairs. And even if it was just a shag and not an affair, the risk that New Boy might want more is too great (in my mind) to make it worth it. I keep to my first comment, that Shelly has her life so perfectly balanced just now that she should keep it so for a while. However, I'd love to hear what happens if she follows your advice instead... ;-)

Blog On The Land said...

The work issue is the sticking point for me. She may not like the work, but word of this will get out and the atmosphere will be unbarable.

But my original point was, if it was just a shag (forget about , bulls, balls etc), and it never went any further that to me would be OK.

The man coud be lying about his girlfriends status, many do. And yes, he may want more. But if she keeps to a shag (heaven knows how youdo that if he is really good in the sack), that would be OK.

Or I suspect that she will fantasie and then "engineer" a meeting anyway.

Kevin said...

OK, Shelly, we've all discussed this now... What are you going to do?

WooHoo said...

Yes, do tell...