Dangerous, this is. I didn't really expect this.
Yesterday I went for drinks after work with a few colleagues. New Boy was there (that's a given - there was beer, and a terrified intern). We've been steadily flirting for the last month, but since really thinking about it (and taking on the advice of my internet 'homies') I decided it would go no further.
We got talking. We got slowly drunker and drunker until everyone else just left. I'm trying to remember the topics of conversation, but the easier the words come, the easier they go. Turns out that he's at a dead end. I didn't know, but Andrew (his real name) has been together with his long term partner for about 6 years. They live together. I had absolutely no idea.
But he's not happy. Everything in his life has leveled out - he hates his job, regardless of how well it's going. He pissed his life away to normalcy. His girlfriend has been suggesting babies and marriage, which make him want to run in the opposite direction. It sounded like him only knew what he didn't want.
Something happened last night. We all know the feeling. Verging on painful, where you realise you both want each other and it's never going to happen. Your chest tightens and your stomach flips over. No one has made me feel this much like a little girl since my mother. Knowing you can't makes you want it more, but your conscience stops you short and you nip to the loo and then leave with a quick goodbye.
It reminds me of a boy at school I was in love with for about 3 years. He didn't know my name - I knew everything about him. He was a year younger than me, long hair, poor family. But absolutely beautiful. Alex, his name was. He was a thug and tearaway, arrogant and rude, with this soft side to him that I saw floating under the ice every now and then. One day I remember waking up in my bed, already crying, thinking about the fact that whatever I did, he was never going to love me back.
I think he knows that I want him. But I've already got too much to juggle, without getting a new ball...
...wink wink, nudge nudge.