Friday, 22 May 2009

If donkeys could type.

Spent the morning half working and half cheekily browsing IllicitEncounters. I'm just about to log off when one guy pops up on my messenger...

"Hi sexy!" he says.

I dispute this immediately. My photos on the site are password protected, and I doubt I would have accidentally given my combination to man called 'MrBig69'.

"Hi." I reply.

"Fancy sum fun?" he says.

"Of what variety?" I ask.

"I want 2 touch ur boobs and lick ur nipples" he says.

For a second, I feel the conversation has been hijakced by some giggling 16 years old. Boobs? Who on earth uses the word 'boobs' in a seduction attempt? Breasts, tits even...but not 'boobs'. I feel it is time for some mockery.

"Yes, that sounds like jolly good fun. How about you put your joystick in my fun hole, and we can play musical bumps all night?"

"You're making me hot, stop" he says.

MrBig69 actually typed "your making me hot", but the language fascist in me had to correct him, for fear of being smited (smiten?) by the Grammar Gods. Real pet hate of mine.

"I'm glad", I say. "I'd love to watch you butter my muffin with your huge tub of marge. Maybe even eat some of my raisins. Do you like raisins?"

"Yes" he pants, virtually.

"I bet you do, you naughty boy" I say. "I want you to hit me with your rhythm stick. Tune my radio. Service my boiler. Preheat my oven to 190..."

"Wud luv 2" he types. Possibly one handed. Ergh. I get bored with inuendo and decide to express my sheer agony over the depth of the conversation.


"Did u cum?" asks MrBig.

At this point, I log off.


Serial Mistress said...

Oh my god, hilarious, but I do believe I've had the exact same approach, and they wonder why they have no luck for their money! :) Well handled :) xx

Anonymous said...

ha ha thats funny I've only had a profile on there for a week and on the first day I got a similar message saying I was very sexy... I hadn't even put a photo on the site at that time!!

WooHoo said...

Brilliant. Is it just me or have your posts been getting muckier lately?

Where will it all end?

Anonymous said...

Brilliant - that really made me laugh after a long day at the office!