*Chews nails*

I think James is going to break-up with me.

Can you break-up with someone who is already with someone else?

We were sat in the car yesterday after a meal and we were just about to set off for the hotel and he was just staring at the steering wheel. Like he was imagining a car crash. I've never seen him look like that before.

I asked him what was wrong. He said "nothing". And that's how I knew something was up. Normally, we are very honest with each other. Painfully so. If I'm feeling trapped or he doesn't want to see me for a week, we tell each other.

But this was different. We drove in silence to the tube. His gaze was empty and when he hugged me I felt like I was hugging a life-size polestyrine model of him. We didn't arrange to meet again and once he'd said goodbye, he just closed the car door and drove off, leaving me stood on the pavement.

I am so sad. This is the kind of pain I last experienced at 15, when I realised my sixth-form crush had told his friends I looked like a donkey. It is strangely exciting to feel so deeply upset about someone. But James isn't just another relationship. He is a whole new life for me. Loosing him would leave a void which could make everything implode...including my marriage.

I have to find a way of keeping this together. There have been no texts as yet. If he doesn't contact me in a week I will suggest we meet up.


I hate how, only a few months ago, I was comtemplating leaving him. I never noticed hwo much I needed him in my life. 'The Illicit Lover'. I guess Joni was right, eh?