Wednesday, 29 July 2009

Horny Housewives 2 : The Michelle Sutton Chronicles

My life is becoming increasingly x-rated. Oo-er.

Last night, rathr naughily, I jumped back on the IllicitEncounters horse...just for the evening you understand. After all, Hubby was out. I kind of told James I wasn't going to use it anymore. But what the hey.

Anyway, those of you who have read my blog for a while, will know I have only had one 'cyber' encounter, which ended rather badly. Partly because the gentleman participating was two biscuits short of a Hobnob. A minus-biscuit, if you will.

Over the last couple of weeks I have been in "conversation" with a rather nice gentleman via IE. Turns out, in fact, that he is not so much nice, as completely and utterfly filthy.

Yesterday evening, in traditional fashion, I stayed up past my bed time and logged on to chat. There he was, his handle a refernece to an early Ian McEwan novel, swanning around online like some 18th century cad (this is what I imagine he looks like. To be honest, he's probably no better than the illiterate BigGuy69 who contacted me all those months back. Still.).

Little chat window appears.

"Hello, hello, hello. Didn't expect to see you here." says Cad.

*Squeeeek!* Correctly punctuated!

"Well, here I am, Mister. How are you?"

I won't bore you with the details, but somehow, in the space of about 20 minutes, we got from polite introductions, to this...

"I want to put your ________ _____ inside my ___ _______ and ______ you _____ until you _____ in my ______"

I trust you all have minds filthy enough to join me in my little game of Blankety Blank.

I never knew cyber-sex could be so enjoyable! The man was like a walking dictionary. No adjective unturned, no euphimism unused. We drew the line at cooking analergies (never thought it was particularly hot to imagine someone pounding my dough). Helps when youve got a little plastic friend to help you out, too (note to female readers; I should clarify hear that, although they look a lot of fun, Trolls and My Little Pony's are entirely unsuitable for this time of activity. If you're out of batteries, I find Weebles are quite good.).

If you haven't tried it, I suggest you should. But only with someone who is not completely devoid of creative writing skills. Perhaps a frustrated journalist. Or a blogger. Hey hey hey.

5 comments:

Happy said...

You're so right about the need for an imaginative and creative partner for this particular activity. It's not a bad set of criteria to apply to real life either.
A lot of people who've never tried it make fun of cyber/phone-sex. They don't know what they're missing!

Also, it is possible to explore areas of mutual interest in the cyber world before any unpleasant misunderstandings about 'what' is allowed/expected to be put 'where'.

Kimberly said...

Oooh, who doesn't love a man who can carry on a dirty cyber chat. The ones who have the neccessary creative streak can be hard to find...but definitely worth the search...

Kevin said...

As you say, for cybersex and phone sex to be successful, you both have to be in the mood and you have to be very creative. Oh, and for the former being a fast, one-handed typist helps enormously ;)

Federico said...

Some communities have been doing, uh, "quality" (sorry I so hate the word, need the quotes to keep my stomach sane)

where was I? Ah, yes

.."quality" cyber for very long. I suggest you take a look at Elliquiy. Googling the word, as often happens, is a good start.

Andreina said...

Dear ShellyA
My name is Andreina Cordani, and I’m a freelance journalist working for a national women’s magazine. I’m putting together an article at the moment about how more and more women are choosing to share their lives online – whether it’s venting their frustrations, confessing something they can’t even tell their friends, or just showing a side to themselves which they feel they can’t show in their everyday lives.
I’m a fan of your blog and would love to talk to you about what made you start the online diary, what you get out of keeping it, and whether your online persona is different from the one you show to your husband, friends and other partners.
Please rest assured that I have absolutely no intention of ‘unmasking’ you in anyway, and am happy to chat initially on email. If you’d like to know anything more about the feature please don’t hesitate to email me on acordani@hotmail.com
Hope to hear from you soon,
Andreina