Monday, 19 April 2010

Not good.

So, as of last Wednesday, I am back on the adulterous market. James and I have ended it.

I'm in a lot of pain right now; despite the fact that I knew it was coming, it wasn't a mutual decision. The tough thing is not being able to tell my best friend, Hubby, about it. Last night he took me out for Thai and all I wanted to do was cry into my sticky rice.

James is struggling with his feelings about me. The last few weeks have been incredibly intense. I can't define in what way; just that our emotional connection has risen to a new level. I'm sure in any other situation, that kind of butterfly-stirring, firework-lighting effect would be welcomed, but when you're cheating on your husband or wife, it's the last thing you want to feel.

There were a few hours, lying in bed with James, drunk on romance, where I thought about running away. I rehearsed it in my head; telling Hubby what I'd done, letting him hate me, packing a bag and escaping with my lover on some generic highway into a postcard sunset. Alas, reality always find a way of seeping in to your fantasies sooner or later.

On Sunday we met for lunch, and James named what we have been avoiding for the past year; we were in hopelessly love. He cried, I cried. I was all very dramatic. Although we parted agreeing that we both needed 'space', this is most definitely the end. Seeing each other again after having christened the elephant in the room would be far too dangerous.

It's at times like these where I have to remind myself why I embarked on an affair in the first place. I love my husband; he is my one and only, the Rhett to my Scarlett, the cream in my cake. James was only ever meant to fill a gap. Like some kind of good-looking, emotionally intelligent Polyfiller.

Forgive my DIY analogies. James wasn't just some device. He was a living, breathing human being, and to refer to him as any less than that would be cruel. Which, unfortunately, is all I'm capable of being at the moment. It hurts too much to think about what he really meant to me. For the next few months, he will be the adhesive that closed up the cracks in my marriage, nothing more. At least until I get my thoughts together.



I think it hasn't quite hit me let. It's all still at arm's length. Give me a few days, I'll be your regular suicidal dumpee.

17 comments:

Petal said...

*hugs*

Rosie said...

Hey babe,

What awful news. Hope you're okay. xx

chocstrawberry said...

Aww, Shelly I'm sending you a big hug. xx

Aphrodite said...

Hi Shelly. Just started blogging and came across your blog. I'm in similar position (ie embarking on an affair to "fill the gap" in my marriage) and surprised to find so many women going through the same issues. Hope you'll overcome the sadness you're feeling at the outcome of your relationship with James.

Diner Nighthawk said...

It's at times like these where I have to remind myself why I embarked on an affair in the first place. I love my husband; he is my one and only, the Rhett to my Scarlett, the cream in my cake. James was only ever meant to fill a gap. Like some kind of good-looking, emotionally intelligent Polyfiller.

If this is the case, then as difficult as it is you did the right thing by agreeing to end it. Either you were going to have to leave your husband and break his heart, or you were never going to be with James the would both grow to want and then one of you would have ended up resenting the other. Or maybe I'm just reading too much of my own situation into your story ^_^

Keep your chin up. Before you know it you'll be back to NSA flings or relationships, with none of the complications of a full-blown emotional affair.

Infidelity Chronicles said...

That's tough. I've had my own situation where the "feelings" talk came out and it does change things. And once you've thrown that stuff out there, shit gets real very quickly. Hugs!

Miranda

Ron in Florida (Ronald10021) said...

I'm thinking of you and wishing you good thoughts. Feel free to e-mail me directly at ronald10021@yahoo.com

Kevin said...

I'm sure that, painful as it is, you made the right decision for everybody. Don't be in too much of a rush to come back on the adventurers market, because you need time to grieve over James.

tracey said...

Hang in there. I know it's hard. It's been four years for me and I still think of him.

CathleenT_217 said...

能付出愛心就是福;能消除煩惱就是慧。........................................

怡如 said...

haha~ funny! thank you for your share~ ........................................

雲亨 said...

要照顧身體歐~保重.........................

fridayam said...

I have only just found your blog, but I understand the pain you express. I too have a sexless marriage, but I also love my wife and wouldn't harm her for the world. I cannot imagine what turmoil you have been through. My respects.

Jim said...

Just wondering how you're feeling now, with a little time and distance in the rear-view mirror . . .

XO

Stephen said...

To you and the many people like you I really do wish you good luck. But I do believe that adultery is the ultimate lie (to you and your spouse). A sexless marriage is not a marriage you simply can't have the emotional bond without it, so you look elsewhere for whats missing. Your more like co-workers doing a job working for a likeminded goal. I think you've already thrown in the towel just by looking at your blog profile, all the bloggers that you follow are all adulterers also. Not one blog that I could see about repairing damaged relationships. I make no judgement on you, you sound like a very caring person, maybe just a little off track. Please keep an open mind and seek out some quality help for you and your husband. Goodluck!

madamebutterfly said...

I have been reading your blog with interest because like many others I loved my husband but needed more - his problem was drinking. Last year I met an old friend (Facebook rears its ugly head) and we began an exciting, passionate affair. I was able to share so much with him!
Earlier this year I left my husband, not to be with my lover -who is married - but because I could no longer cope with his wanton self-destruction; in April my husband died of liver failure, caused by his drinking.
I resisted seeing my lover because I was so wrecked by events. Yesterday I met him again and we had a very special afternoon. I am not going to pretend that we are the new soulmates etc but I do feel a very strong physical need for him, I wish I didn't but I do.
I guess I justify myself by saying it doesn't harm anyone...

Adulteress said...

Wow -- that's exactly how I felt when I broke with my lover in January. It does get better (it was two months ago -- I'm sure you know that) but you brought exactly what I was feeling up.