Friday, 7 May 2010

In response to Steven.

A nice gentleman called Steven posted the following on my last blog.

"To you and the many people like you I really do wish you good luck. But I do believe that adultery is the ultimate lie (to you and your spouse). A sexless marriage is not a marriage you simply can't have the emotional bond without it, so you look elsewhere for whats missing. Your more like co-workers doing a job working for a likeminded goal. I think you've already thrown in the towel just by looking at your blog profile, all the bloggers that you follow are all adulterers also. Not one blog that I could see about repairing damaged relationships. I make no judgement on you, you sound like a very caring person, maybe just a little off track. Please keep an open mind and seek out some quality help for you and your husband. Goodluck!"

I just wanted a chance to respond to this.

Oh Steven. Please do not assume that I, and those like me, have not sought help for our issues. This seems to be a general assumption about adultery; that it is a way out for people who cannot be bothered to work hard at their relationships.

I have been to marriage counselling. I have tried to engage my husband in discussions about our sex life. I have wasted money on lingerie and sexual parifinalia trying to bring him round to the idea of his wife as a sexual object. However, all this work has only confirmed the reality of the situation. My husband and I are in love; we are soul mates. But he does not fancy me, and no amount of negociation is going to change that.

The point is, we are in love. Although we do not really sleep together, we most definitely have an extremely strong emotional bond. And, although this may be difficult for some people to believe, my affair is not some underhand way of me ending my marriage.

Of course there were/are emotional ties with James, my lover. He is a wonderful man and we allowed ourselves to fall for each other. But, although the hurt can be searing, most boundaries were kept to, and I feel that our relationship gave me the room to enjoy my marriage, without feeling the need to nag my husband for sex.

And, in truth Steven, that is what this partership was about. Sex. Nookie. Rumpy-pumpy. In my experience, men find it very difficult to accept that there are some women out there who require this as a physical need, and are completely capable of compartmentalising sex and romance. Break-ups are hard, but I have preserved my feelings, and a genuinely believe I had a great deal of control over the situation.

You say that I saw my relationship with James as if we were two co-workers, trying to achieve the same goal. What is problematic about this? I had a practical physical need that wanted to be fulfilled, and I arranged an affectionate but business-like relationship with a gentleman in a similar situation to fulfil that need. Less emotional? Maybe. But it worked for me.

And, in regards to lying, none of us are saints, and we're certainly not ignorant to the fact that we are deceiving our partners. However, when it's a choice between loosing the man who I want to spend the rest of my life with, and conducting a discreet arrangement which for nearly two years has only served to improve my relationship with him, I choose the latter.




In other news, I think Cleggy is barking to side with those gay-bashing Tory monsters. Eurgh.

TTFN,

x

13 comments:

Leah said...

I'm with you Shelley on this. Steven has his point, and a few years ago I would also have been the one making that very same point. I have worked hard and sometimes single-handedly) to try and repair the fragments of my marriage. It's my husband who can't be bothered to put the effort in. He's in a comfort-zone which he refuses to be pulled out of. We grew apart years ago. We're on different intellectual and social levels. I love him, but am not IN love with him. And worst of all, it's HIM that doesn't want sex, and won't sort out THAT problem either.

To Steven - there are always two sides. Our activities are sometimes founded in sheer desperation to be wanted.

Jim said...

I agree with you, Shelley, as well, though I think Steven was alluding to your marriage, not your affair, when he said you were like "co-workers" . . . the passion-less sort of to-do list household management that a marriage becomes, when people's physical and emotional needs for intimacy are minimized at best, and ridiculed or ignored at worst. I know, because that's how my marriage is, too.

We've tried talking it out, arguing, and have gone to counseling, too, at my insistence. What do you do, when none of that has worked, and you realize that you're married to a person who just doesn't have those feelings for you any longer . . . assuming, of course, that they did at some point? My wife does not feel the need for regular physical contact or intimacy, sexual or otherwise, and just does not see that as a constant, painful flaw in our relationship. I love my wife dearly, which makes the pain of not having that love returned that much more acute, but I can't imagine leaving her.

These decisions just aren't nearly as easy for anyone as you imply, Steven, and we all face them differently, living with the consequences as we go.

RennaSc said...

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PDXsubcuck said...

All sorts of reasons for affairs and some are good and some are bad. Not all that long ago people didn't marry for love and in a lot of cultures they still don't marry for love and in long term sense a marriage is partnership...a marriage based on sex isn't going to last ten years much or less. Some marriages have sex and some don't. Some people need sex and some don't. You don't really learn all that much about a person until you have been married a few years.

I do wonder what the commenter is doing hanging around blogs like yours...getting his jollies by putting you down? Feeling superior? Or is he like a lot of gay bashers in America...when they are not bashing gays they are hanging out with a wide stance in men's rooms or paying for gay escorts? So what is his real issue?

Kevin said...

Hi Shelley, I think you are spot on in your response to Steven.

Aphrodite said...

You've definitely hit the nail on the head with your reply, Shelley. And it saddens me to think there are so many others out there going through these same issues - that it's not just limited to me. I keep wishing the obvious lack of sex and passion in my marriage, my husband's oblivion, and my roaming eyes are all just a phase. But, sadly, it's not and I hate that "adultery" really does seem to be the only fix when all else fails.

Steel Horseman said...

I am with you too. I know the sexless marriage, and I know emotional stress from an unhappy marriage. Sometimes you just need to be touched, and sometimes you just need the release.

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冠琴 said...

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Stephen said...

Hi Shelley
First I would like to thank you for your honest response on my comment.
My comment stirred up a lot of responses from your blog followers. This is what I hoped would happen, it gives me a better understanding of what you and some of them are going through.
I believe that honest communication is the key to any kind of relationship be it an open marriage, poly, cuckold, swinger. The people in these types of relationships have together worked out a lifestyle that works for them both.In my opinion in adultery it's just one person living a lie. Do you agree that this can't be a long term solution to you and your husbands problem. I feel badly for you having a husband that has put you in this position.
You say you and your husband are soul mates do you think if your husband found out you were screwing other men he would believe that. Sorry to be so blunt but I don't think your facing reality.
Stephen

阿楊 said...

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