Friday, 7 January 2011

Pissed off

Mia just sent me this.

http://www.mumsnet.com/Talk/relationships/1118625-Illicit-Encounters-your-thoughts

I was originally going to join this forum and respond to some of the acerbic comments that the posters had left, but it is Friday afternoon and I'm already wearing my lazy weekend hat. So, my reply is going here.

Bear in mind, first, that many of the ladies using Mumsnet are mums, with very strong ideas of what it means to be a family. I certainly do not expect them all to agree with what I'm doing...

...But. People's lack of understanding and empathy is a constant shock to me. Fundamentally, no one can prescribe a solution for anyone else's situation. Even if that person is, like me, married for 10 years, under-sexed and overworked, this does not mean their experiences and feelings reflect mine. Some people's marriages are rehabilitated by therapy. Some are helped by books. And a small percentage are helped by one partner's decision to take a lover.

I'm afraid this is inarguable. These women and men with their blanket solutions may speculate about the effects of my affair, but if any of them knew me or my husband, they would find themselves uncomfortably back-tracking. Yes, I have to tell lies, and yes, that is not ideal. But when is anything 'ideal'? There is less resentment, there is less tension, and we are both happier. Frankly, after years of openly trying to reach this point with open honest discussion and professional help, I am just relieved things are okay finally.

I am in no way suggesting that having an affair is the solution to the majority of marital problems. But to suggest that discussion, out-and-out honesty and professional intervention are the solutions to all marital problems is just as ridiculous. I personally believe in the ethics of responsibility, rather than the idea that doing the socially-accepted 'good thing' in all situation is always the most beneficial option. My marriage is better because I have a lover. Go figure.

10 comments:

matt said...

You are hiding behind the comforting blanket of visibly positive results. You are extremely naive.

Much like global warming, your "solution" is going to destroy your world and your marriage. Deforestation makes Brazil a quick buck, not enforcing emission laws in china gives them the developing edge,flaring off oil saves companies costs, all this makes everyone happy for the moment... but they all contribute to the end of our natural world. Your lies, your infidelity, and your secret pleasure in getting attention and thrill seeking will be the end of you and your "beloved" husband. If he ever finds out, he is going to regret every moment he spent with you. Your solution is massively flawed.

matt said...

All disagreements aside, could you tell us in all honesty, how you would feel, how you would assess, and how you would react if you discovered that your husband was seeing another woman, or women, behind your back? Surely you have had this question before... but I am curious as to what you would think if the tables were turned.

Thanks

ChickenDinner said...

I have followed your blog for some time now. I, like yourself am someone that has had and continues to have affairs and for similar reasons that you have written about over the years. My wife has never found out.

Similarities end there though. I unlike you am under no illusion that what I do is right in any way. Am certainly on no self justification mission as you ever increasingly seem to be. See Michelle, cheating is bad. Why? Simply because if our other halves found out, the emotional trauma would rip them to pieces for years to come. You know this of course, as do you know that what we do is utter selfishness. We never have or will give our partners a choice in our behaviour. The hurt one would cause by having an affair if found out unspeakable. And there is NEVER a guarantee that even the best of us cheating bastards/bitches will never be found out. That is why cheating is so bad.

Seems to me that you are now so wrapped up in your new website or intent on becoming the face of IE (if not already a star employee), intent on throwing your ideals into the faces of millions of tv and radio listeners. Your views increasing acerbic yourself no doubt very much pining for a book deal. Michelle, please, time to get back to being a grown up.

And for gods sakes stop whinging about what the doubters think! They are right! What we do is bad, go figure!

Dave said...

I too have to second ChickenDinner in that you have not given your partner a choice in how you are behaving.He has no say in the possible effects of your behaviour on him, which most of the time is unforeseen.

I have no right to tell you how to conduct your life but atleast I can be allowed to criticize since your blog is public.My criticism comes from personal experience in which a loved one only found out about her partner's infidelity on being tested positive for HIV.This has not only affected her but also her two young children.If she had known she would have had the CHOICE of either leaving or stay for the sake of the children but not have intercourse with her husband.She lives in Africa and her chances of survival would have been slim had it not been that we her relations are over here in the west and are now forking out for her treatment.

And like ChickenDinner said you need to grow up and not throw a tantrum when some people get hostile.You chose as an adult to share with the public what you are doing by publishing this blog and with the radio and TV interviews.Some will relate and empathize with you and I sure some who are in a similar situation to the one I described above will have more than a few choice words for you.Like a grownup you have to learn to take both gracefuly otherwise you should have kept your mouth shut.And like an adult you should not delude yourself to the possible consequences by simply focusing on the benifits of what you are doing

Celtic Knights said...

You are living a life independent of your husband. So is he really your husband? You partner? No. I'm afraid you have effectively downgraded him to a friend.

Yes I too have cheated and continue to cheat. I agree with Chicken Dinner in that what we do is wrong. It is this idea of taboo that makes the sex so much better. However, you coming on here and being self righteous is ridiculous. I know what I do is wrong but continue to do so b/c it gives me a thrill that I otherwise cannot attain.

It is clear that you have full intentions on being an IE employee or spokesman. You going on national television without any cover is evidence of that.

Lets be honest, your partner (if we can even call him that anymore) is now simply a ignorable part of ur life.

Celtic Knights said...

Lastly, think about this. I mean really think about it:

Have you really fixed your marriage or have you just made is more convenient for yourself?

The way things are going (with you going on radio and television) your husband is bound to find out. He is a cuckold. How will he feel when he does find out? How do you think he will feel around his friends who will laugh at him behind his back? This is shameful!!

An affair is a private matter that we do to find something missing in our lives. you parading it around on television is infuriating.

ShellyA said...

I wanted to reply to this because I feel some of you have interpreted what I have written in a rather negative way.

Not, at any point, have I said this was a good idea, or that what I was doing was 'the right thing' - I actually explicitly stated this in my post. Cheating is not the ideal, but for me it has now become the only way for me to keep things ticking over. Like I said, I don't expect it to work for everyone, in every situation, but my marriage as improved all round, and that is non-negotiable.

I really resent the suggestion that my husband has become an 'ignorable' part of my life. Considering I see my lover maximum twice a month, contacting him a few times a week - and the fact that I decided mutually to end my previous relationship for feel that it would en-shadow my marriage - this is far from the truth. I love my husband, and we spend the majority of our time together. This blog is/was intended for me to vent my feelings of frustration and loss, but please do not allow that to make you think that is all I feel for my husband.

In truth, I adore him. I hate that I can't use his name right now. He is kind and funny and well-read and empathic and incredibly grounded and, believe it or not, still very very attractive to me. I want and need to share my body with him, but he makes it clear to me time and time again that he is not interested in me in that way.

In response to Matt, I really don't know how I would feel. I think my first decision would be to sit down and talk about it. I can't imagine that it would feel anything other than horrible, though I believe my experiences up until now would help me to understand his reasoning a little better. To empathise more. In short, I care about him, and if he made a decision to start seeing someone behind my back, I would just want to listen to his reasons for doing so. I was cheated on before in the past, both in long-term relationships, and so can see this as the only appropriate response. Listen and try to understand.


I do appreciate that I am, by talking about my personal situation on national television, encouraging this kind of criticism, so, in hindsight, I realise my initial bloggetary response was a tad ridiculous. I think calling it a 'tantrum' is surely exaggerated - I've just read it back and, though I'm angry, none of the points I make are vitriolic or badly-argued.

Just to clarify, I do not work for IE, though I do have quite a close relationship with Rosie, as she's been very supportive on a personal level since the blog was brought to her attention. I was not paid to go on This Morning, but Ro suggested it and I agreed. I was also wearing a wig in the show, and had my voice disguised. I haven't done any radio, so don't know where that came from.

ShellyA said...

Have read all, here's my response.

Not, at any point, have I said this was a good idea, or the 'nice' option. Cheating is not the ideal, but for me it has now become the only way for me to keep things ticking over. I don't expect it to work for everyone, in every situation, but my marriage as improved all round, and that is non-negotiable.

I really resent the suggestion that my husband has become an 'ignorable' part of my life. Considering I see my lover maximum twice a month, contacting him a few times a week - and the fact that I decided mutually to end my previous relationship for fear that it would enshadow my marriage - this is far from the truth. I love my husband, and we spend the majority of our time together. This blog was intended for me to vent my feelings of frustration and loss, but please do not allow that to make you think that is all I feel for my husband.

In truth, I adore him. I hate that I can't use his name right now. He is kind and funny and well-read and empathic and incredibly grounded and, believe it or not, still very very attractive to me. I want and need to share my body with him, but he makes it clear to me that he is not interested physically.

In response to Matt, I really don't know how I would feel. I think my first decision would be to sit down and talk about it. I can't imagine that it would feel anything other than horrible, though I believe my experiences up until now would help me to understand his reasoning a little better. To empathise more. In short, I care about him, and if he made a decision to start seeing someone behind my back, I would just want to listen to his reasons for doing so. I was cheated on before in the past, both in long-term relationships, and so can see this as the only appropriate response. Listen and try to understand.

I do appreciate that I am, by talking about my personal situation on national television, encouraging this kind of criticism, so, in hindsight, I realise my initial bloggetary response was a tad ridiculous. I think calling it a 'tantrum' is surely exaggerated - I've just read it back and, though I'm angry, none of the points I make are vitriolic or badly-argued.

Just to clarify, I do not work for IE, though I do have quite a close relationship with Rosie, as she's been very supportive on a personal level since the blog was brought to her attention. I was not paid to go on This Morning, but Ro suggested it and I agreed. I was also wearing a wig in the show, and had my voice disguised. I haven't done any radio, so don't know where that came from.

Glen Gordon said...

Things between my wife and myself change significantly after our first child was born. She never wanted to spend time together, or basically leave the house. This carried on for almost 2 years and progressively got worse, until finally one day she tells me she is leaving. This time I let her go, as I have been trying to make this work for so long with no effort on her side and I could not take it anymore.

Before she cleared out her belongings from our house I was able to (with the assistance of http://hubbyspy.ca) analyze my wife's internet history to see what she was doing when she was up to as she was always on the computer. Good thing I did this as when I received the divorce documents her claims were outragious. She claimed I was verbally abusive to her, that our plan with our new daughter was that she would always stay home and now she expected $1200 a month in spousal support, plus around $20,000 retroactive, and she expected me to pay for her legal costs.

These claims were ridiculous and completely false and luckily I was able to prove all of them wrong with the help of her internet history. First, we found she was job searching which supports my side of this story and arguable disputes her claim. Secondly, we found that she majority of her time on the computer was spend playing video games for hours on end. Third, it was found that she was looking up depression, prescription side effects and possible medical conditions and forth, also with the help of Website: http://wifeyspy.ca I was able to record conversations between my wife and myself disputing her allegations of verbal abuse.

When everything was said and done, my spousal support payments are a fraction of what she claimed she was owed, we each paid our own legal costs and best part of all I got Joint Custody of my daughter as any claims of abuse were thrown out.

Luckily, with the help of Website: http://wifeyspy.ca I was able to prove what was really was going on with her, otherwise I would have had to have claimed bankruptcy and would have never seen my daughter again.

I recommend anyone who is going through divorce, separation or is suspicious of their wife to take the necessary steps needed to find out what is really going on. It could change the rest of your life.


Website: http://wifeyspy.ca

makemoney said...

Please Shelly try and confess to your husband, no matter how devastated you think he would feel.He has a right to know. If you are ashamed and fear his reaction, simply walk out of the marriage.If he ask you why, tell him that you need and must separate for a while for you to understudy if this marriage is working.Gently leave him since you have given your body to a strange man while married