Wednesday, 14 October 2009

Full coverage

So, have just finished doing an email-based interview with The Bolton News. I know what you're thinking - I have officially arrived. Soon I will have the New Yorker banging on my door asking for my comment on some new infidelity scandal. And I will push them to my publicist because I'm having a manicure with Monica Lewinsky.

This is what I dream about while sat in my sad little office, pasting Philadelphia onto a Sainsbury's own-brand rice cracker.

One thing I do find funny about journos is how they always seem to want you to be fully identified. I had spoken to several over the course of this year, and at some point, the following exchange always ensues:

"So, it would be great to get a picture..."

"Yes, I'm sure it would. Unfortunately I'm trying to keep my affair a secret, so that won't be possible."

"Okay Michelle. Is that your real name, Michelle Sutton?"

"No, no...of course not."

"What is your real name?"


"Well, we'd really like to use your real name in the piece..."

"No, sorry. Like I said. I am married and I do not want my husband to find out about my affair so you won't be getting those details from me."

"Okay. This lover of yours...James is it? What's his full name? Do you have any picture of him?"

"*Audibly bangs head against wall*"

"Ahhh, right. Sorry."

I completely understand why a newspaper want to have a photo and a real name - it makes the story so much more immersive. But, in truth, why would a MARRIED WOMAN, having AN AFFAIR IN SECRET, want to identify herself in a LOCAL NEWSPAPER? Yeah, I don't know either. I put so much effort into keeping James under my...hat. I don't want some local rag outing me to everyone and his wife. And their lover.

I have realised this has turned into a bit of a rant. In order to counteract the negatively of the last two paragraphs, I am going to paste an image of something cute. To reset the balance.

Disturbingly, if you search the word 'cute' on Google image search, the following image is the first result...

I have a lot of words to describe that picture. 'Cute' isn't one of them. I apologise to any arachnophobics I might have unnerved. Nothing in more terrifying than seeing the head of something cute pasted on the body of something terrifying. Like seeing Johnny Depp's jewel of a head on Simon Cowell's high-waisted, smug record-exec torso. Shudder.

In conclusion, any Bolton bloggers out there, keep an eye out for said interview. I haven't got a date yet, and knowing locals, I probably won't get keep your peepers peeled.

I realise my dream of becoming a world-renowned infidelity expert is, at the moment, far from realistic. So in the meantime, humor me.



Anonymous said...

Consider yourself "a world-renowned infidelity expert", and if that one doesn't quite work out you have already made advances in the art of apt analogies. Depp/Cowley-perfect. But what a god-awful "cute" pic that is!! I'd love to read this story. Will you post a link or the interview??

Happy said...

The standard of journalism in local papers is appalling, although to be fair, so is the standard of most nationals.
But I must warn you that if you truly aspire to being a 'world renowned infidelity expert' then expect to be outed at some point. See Girl With a One Track Mind for example. I do hope you conducted the interview over the phone, or in disguise on neutral territory.

Happy said...

edit - just reread the first few lines... 'an email interview' dohhh!

Hot Cockles said...

Well I found you through the Independent ... one more follower closer to world domination :-D

Anonymous said...

You know something, I came under fire last week by some female work colleagues because i run a male only blog and they called it sexist, but you know what I couldn't give a crap because at least I am not blurting out the fact i'm unfaithful to my partner and for some reason feel the need to tell everyone about it, I find this whole thing utterly disgusting and a complete disregard for mens feelings, sure men do stupid shit all the time the same as you do, but your blog is tasteless and represents everything i loathe about a woman, yeah i might run a blog about sexy women, cars, football and male sense of humour but my readers are happy with just that, you on the other hand believe that just because your un happy with your life, you shamefully have to justify your pathectic existance by telling everyone about your promiscuity, how old are you exactly? because i'm 27 and have more maturity and respect for my partner than you have in your little finger, if you don't like your life then go change it, if your sitting and sighing like a baby and looking longingly out he fucking window then change it, and stop blaming your husband for standing by you, because your making a mockery of him. one word...Bitch.