Friday, 6 August 2010

That word.

Is there such thing as an enjoyable tragedy?

Since my meeting with The Doctor, texts full of tension and yearning have been passing between us. He wants to see me again, as soon as he can. He is switching his schedule. Trying to slot me into his already-brimming life. I am sat at my desk unable to concentrate on anything except the familiar ache in my chest.

New love, in all it's forms, is truly addictive. But I think perhaps the promise of love is more addictive still. After all, post-exposition, the object of your affection becomes tangible. A living, breathing, burping person. But before, oh before! They are the white wall onto which you project all your hopes and desires for what love can and might be.

I used to avoid using that word when talking about my lovers. Treat it like a weight, rather than a release. But the truth is, when you are crushing, when you are infatuated with someone to whatever degree, that is love. A seed, maybe. A speck. But still it comes from the same giddy place.


The promise of The Doctor is kicking inside me. Waiting for the day when I can sit smugly at my desk and bang out on these keys "I fucked him! It is done, and I am happy!". But there is an exquisite kind of happiness in this torturous limbo. Perhaps because I know that, however long it takes, this feels like a sure thing.

And as we know, sure things are hard to find.

5 comments:

Infidelity Chronicles said...

I so get that. I love the "anticipation" period where it's all new and exciting and you can dream that this one will work, this one will sweep you off you feet, this one is it. It's truly addictive.

Miranda

家唐銘 said...

良言一句三冬暖,惡語傷人六月寒。......................................................................

doobry said...

Is IE worth the money Shelly? Shame you have to use a credit card, kinda removes the anonymity bit.. :p

love the blog, just caught up on thursday/friday. Got *nothing* done.. :-)

思佩璇佩璇翰佩璇 said...

善言能贏得聽眾,善聽才能贏得朋友。......................................................................

Alicia said...

Just found your blog Shelly...love it! ;) I'm actually in the midst of crushing on my first real lover....you couldn't have explained how I feel any better....so glad to see that I'm not the only woman on earth who is bored to tears in her marriage...and has done something about it. ;)