Brand new day.

I am in a strange place today.

Yesterday I had one of the best evenings of my life. No light title. I am still amazed that all this happiness could spring from a whimsical Google search and a few (relatively) innocent emails...

James wife is away on business. His flat, in the city, is immaculate. I must admit, when he first asked me back to his, I panicked. Even though Silvia is hundreds of miles away, it was hard to shake off the idea that she could come sweeping through the door at any moment, to be confronted by James and I in a compromising embrace.

After a few hours I was properly settled. It may have been the wine. We are so good at talking. The way we communicate has become this odd mix of old friend familiarity and teenage hormonal flirtation. He cooked us a traditional roast, which was beautiful (better than mine, but that's no tall order).

It was awkward towards the end of the evening, as we both didn't want things to end. He suggested we take our wine upstairs. I watched everything happen from quite far away. We made love on his marital bed, like prisoners on a conjugal visit. The sex was everything I hoped it would be, both tender and urgent. After such a long time of only touching one person, it was bizzarre to be so intimate with another.

When we had finished, I stayed awake for a while, as James lied passed out on my chest. The deed is done now. I am now a cheater. I could have kidded myself before, but now there is physical evidence.


A thick cloud of guilt is threatening to block out my sun. I am going to fight for my hapiness.

Curbing my enthusiasm...

The mother-in-law came round. When I see her I can never shake the fact from my mind that she is almost spherical in shape. I often wonder what would happen if I accidentally tripped her up, s she fell on her arse. Would she roll around like a confused Weebl?

The insults are justified. Christine is awful. She thinks I am no good for her son. She thinks I look too old for my age. She is right on both accounts, but that is not the point.

We had a painful dinner, full of forced conversations and allusions to the weather. She has clearly been speaking to Geoff, her new husband, about me. They were sharing knowing glances with each other whenever I talked about anything I was genuinely interested in. I think Christine comes from a family where women with passion are suspect.


Things are a little better with Hubby. Saw James again yesterday. No kisses as yet, but I wait with baited breath.

Row.

Hubby and I are at each other's throats at the moment.

Yesterday evening he made a comment me looking tired. I must that my online fantasies are beginning to spill into the early mornings...I sometimes find myself staring at the clock and realising it is well past my bedtime.

However, that doesn't mean I want to be told that, basically, I look like shit. He suggested that I put my feet off, take a day off, 'calm down'. What a bastard. He both expects me to clean up after him, listen to his every word, work a 9 to 5, and still have time to look flawless and sprightly.

I guess I snapped. I turned round and said that if he wanted me to take some time out, then maybe he should consider doing his own dishes and washing once in a while. Hubby went quiet while I continued to rant about how useless and uncaring he has become.



I think he is starting to realise how I feel. I don't know whether I meant to let on, but he could see how angry I was. After all, he knows me better than I know myself. Maybe this will improve things. However, maybe it will confirm to that things are ending. Slowly, but definitely.

I feel strange and sad today. Until next time.

James, James, James, James, James, James...

James, James, James, James, James, James, James, James, James.

My best friend informs me that this is what have been spouting over the last week. She may well be right. Things are going very well. I am not one to kiss and tell.

But I will make an exception.

We met last Friday. It was amazing. He wore a suit and he is MUCH better looking than I imagined. Fancy that! A man I met on the internet! Good looking! Hahahaha...

Anyway, he took me to some posh champagne bar in SoHo. Stupidly expensive but gorgeous. We talked and drank and talked and drank and then I began slurring and decided to stop drinking. By this time I was rather sloshed. Oh, he is such a hottie, he makes me talk like a school girl. Hense 'Hottie'....ergh, where has my vocabularly gone.

He walked me to the tube, and we said goodbye like old friends. Very gentlemany - kissed my hand (maybe a bit sleazy, but ultimately quite romantic). *Sigh*




Hubby is not getting a look in at the moment. I don't feel very guilty. The other day I left the kitchen to put my feet up, and he stared longingly back at the sink over my shoulder until I gave in and returned to finish the dishes. Sod.

Ding dong.

*Phew*...

We had the parents 'round. Need I say more?

Christmas was vaguely successful. I burn the parsnips and the carrots (I'm still not sure how), and one of my nieces was sick on the sofa. We had a pavlova that looked like it had been prepared by a blind-folded five year old. Hubby's folks were generally forgiving, although I could have done without his mother commenting on the "interesting" flavor of the vegetables. Mmm, charcoal.

I received a few strange, cheap gifts from my further-removed relatives (my cousin in Germany posted me a battery-operated mini-blender), and all in all, everything was as expected.


James and I were emailing through the holidays. He and his wife had quite a stressful Christmas. He suggested that we meet - I'm still not really sure whether that's a good idea. I went back on Illicit Encounters last week, just browsing new members. I had one message from a guy on Christmas day! They don't sleep do they?




I replied mind you.

This is not just a night in...

Hubby and I had an amazing evening last night. We curled up with a DVD and a bottle of wine. It was like an festive M&S advert. But with regional accents.


We are siblings really. I have given up on sex now because, he doesn't really want to make love anyone. Bless the lad. We got quite drunk, almost accidentally, after finishing almost two full bottles of Merlot. Still, the mood was relaxed and cosy, rather than hot and heavy.

I am starting to realise that perhaps this relationship, my marriage...it serves a different purpose to the one it used to. A long time ago, hubby and I gave each other everything we needed; security, intimacy, passion and loyalty. Now, although we are the best of friends, there isn't the same urgency around us.

It's not ideal. But I have invested so much time, money, love and effort in this relationship. I am not going to leave him.






I'm still waiting for James' correspodance. It's making me a bit edgy.

The butterflies...

So, after deliberating long and hard about joining the extra-marital dating site, I decided to put both feet in and go for it.

As soon as I joined I had hundreds of messages. It was quite overwhelming. I have a password on my photograph, so I thought it smacked of desperation that these men had only read a few paragraphs about me and were already snapping at my heels.

I was surprised that the majority of them were very eloquent and polite - not nearly the sort of come-over-to-my-place-and-I'll-have-you-over-the-mantelpiece-darlin kind of response I expected. One man shined out though. His name is James, he's 40. We have been emailing each other (I set up a separate account - want to minimize any risk of getting caught out). I await his next reply.

I guess I am a little giddy with that first flush feeling you get when you meet someone new. When my Gmail lights up with that promising (1), my stomach turns. It has been such a long time.