Monday, 10 January 2011

In response to previous posters...

Have read all responses to my last post, here's my response.

First of all, thanks for reading and responding. It saddens me to think that any regular followers are feeling a disconnection from me, so I hope that I can begin to clear things up here.

Not, at any point, have I said having an affair was a good idea, or the 'nice' option. Cheating for me has now become the only way for me to keep things ticking over. This is of course sad. I don't expect it to work for everyone, in every situation, but my marriage as improved all round, and that is non-negotiable. I am not kidding myself that I will not be found out - I take every precaution I can in my everyday life, but I am not a fool, nor am I "naiive". As any regular readers will know, I have struggled with my decisions before now. It's not like I just upped and decided to go shag someone else. I stewed for 9 years.

I really resent the suggestion that my husband has become an 'ignorable' part of my life. Considering I see my lover maximum twice a month, contacting him a few times a week - and the fact that I decided mutually to end my previous relationship for fear that it would enshadow my marriage - this is far from the truth. I love my husband, and we spend the majority of our time together. This blog was intended for me to document my extramarital experiences, and to vent my feelings of frustration and loss, but please do not allow that to make you think that is all I feel for my husband.

In truth, I adore him. I hate that I can't use his name right now. He is kind and funny and well-read and empathic and incredibly grounded and, believe it or not, still very very attractive to me. I want and need to share my body with him, but he makes it clear to me that he is not interested physically.

In response to Matt, I really don't know how I would feel if I discovered he was cheating, simply because no one ever really knows. I think my first decision would be to sit down and talk about it. I can't imagine that it would feel anything other than horrible, though I believe my experiences up until now would help me to understand his reasoning a little better. To empathise more. In short, I care about him, and if he made a decision to start seeing someone behind my back, I would just want to listen to his reasons for doing so. I was cheated on before in the past, both in long-term relationships, and so can see this as the only appropriate response. Listen and try to understand.

I do appreciate that I am, by talking about my personal situation on national television, encouraging this kind of criticism, so, in hindsight, I realise my initial bloggetary response was a tad ridiculous. I think calling it a "tantrum" is surely exaggerated - I've just read it back and, though I'm angry, none of the points I make are vitriolic or badly-argued. Everyone, including me, has to remember that one never reads or interprets neutrally - our own beliefs and experiences penetrate until nothing is objective.


Just to clarify, I do not work for IE, though I do have quite a close relationship with Rosie, as she's been very supportive on a personal level since the blog was brought to her attention. I was not paid to go on This Morning, but Ro suggested it and I agreed. I was also wearing a wig in the show, and had my voice disguised. I haven't done any radio, so don't know where that came from.

14 comments:

alistair said...

Radio5 Live Thursday Dec 10th?

alistair said...

sorry Thursday 2nd

slinky said...

As an IE member with a few 'affairs' under my belt, I think you have to consider the type of person that may have been watching the show (or the mumsnet comments). Without meaning to demean them in any way sense or form you are looking at a group of women, often with young children, to whom you/we pose the ultimate threat. When you have little ones, no sleep, feel like all your sex appeal has vanished plus the dependency that often not working brings (especially when you have earnt a good wage prior to this) someone who talks openly about having an affair when they are married is a significant threat. When people are threatened they lash out. I think that no matter how you justified it, no argument, however well meant can mean anything to them. Some battles you just can't win. I watched it an you came across as a thoughtful, kind person in a difficult situation, who had weighed up the risk and benefits and made an informed decision. xx

CLee said...

You adore your husband but you go on live TV to say how he has a low sex drive and does not satisfy you in bed!!? Personally I thought your voice sounded exactly like your radio interview which they said was not disguised. I'm sorry but I really fail to see what you were trying to achieve by going on this show. Unless you do take delight in humiliation/cuckolding? Just come across a tad egotistical to me. I have enjoyed your blog but like others have pointed out I think you have somewhat become hell-bent on throwing your ideals into the faces of others when really something’s should be a little more private.
And you don’t work for IE? Strange as your web page appears to be a dedicated advertisement!
Oh and for info I am in the middle of a lovely affair and otherwise love reading your blog.

davidspace13 said...

I'm not going to comment on the rights and wrongs of what you're doing. You think it's fine and clearly no-one will change your mind on that.

But what I can't understand is why you expect "empathy" from other people when you show no empathy whatsoever for their views. More to the point, you show no empathy for your husband. You NEVER once put yourself in your husband's shoes or show you appreciate how devastated he would be if he knew about this.

I can understand the frustration you feel in your marriage - I just can't understand why you're confused that so many people have a problem with cheating as a solution. LOTS of people are sexually frustrated. Most don't think that gives them a licence to do something that could devastate someone they love. If you don't 'get' their point of view, why do you expect them to get yours?

People DO show empathy - for your husband. I'm sure you can see that of the two of you he's the one who elicits most sympathy. Why do you find that so weird?

Celtic Knights said...

Thank you for responding (or attempting to)

My assertion that your husband has become a forgettable part of your life was derived from your apparent lack of care for his emotions if he found out what was happening. If he found out that you were cheating, he would be devastated. However, you going on television in plain sight compounds this effect. The public embarrassment he would have to endure (from family & friends) is unimaginable. Perhaps “Clee” is right. Maybe you do derive pleasure from cuckolding your husband.

Please understand that I am not trying to put guilt on you or make you change your ways. I just do not understand why you have started to behave the way you have in the past few months. I have read your blog from the very beginning. Do you remember how it started? You were angry at your husband, had an affair and ended things with that man because you did not want to risk the relationship with your husband. Now you are going on television barraging and endorsing your affair with little care of the possible impact on your husband.
The only conclusion I could make was that you no longer have any love (I type of love when the thought of that person getting hurt inflicts an unimaginable pain onto you) for your husband.

I feel that an affair is a private matter. You advertising it (and though you claim to not prescribe it to anyone; going on iTV with IE certainly encourages the idea) cheapens the whole experience. You are making it harder for all of us to keep it in the private realm.

Where has this new person come from?

Dr. Kold_Kadavr_flatliner, M.D. said...

Don't do this. Our lifetimes are only long and then we must face our General Judgment. Please stop. Think, please. I love you. Heaven won't be the same without you -IF- you're condemned for adultery. Thank God for the Warning. May the Trinity so bless you, girl, you'll be higher than me in Heaven. Be at peace. How I'd looooove to kiss your feets in the Great Beyond and be your servant for however long you desire, miss gorgeous. Meet me Upstairs. We'll have fun. Be at peace.

Wanda Davis said...

I hope you husband hires a cheating spouse private investigator. He deserves to know, no matter what he has done to cause you do want to do this, he deserves to know!

Kim said...

Wow.

I have been following your post and notices that you have not posted for two years.

I kept checking back hoping you would.

I hope you are well.

My guess though is that the hubby caught you cheating and things are really rough, now.

What happened? Did he find your blog? The picture barely hides your face? I always wondered about that.

I know in your bio you claim to be male, that was somewhat confusing. Was it a cover? Or is there some other explanation?

Did he find texts, emails, follow you?

I hope you are okay.

Kim said...

Your spouse will someday find out. Maybe 20 years from now.

You are fooling yourself, if you think he will discuss it calmly.

He will never forget your hurtful indiscretions, as a man whose wife cheated I assure you he won't.

Like me, he will wait until he is financially stable and you are old and wrinkly and no longer attractive to other men.

Then he will find a 19 year old to shag, and he will wine and dine her while you sit and home stewing.

But he won't worry, because you are too old and wrinkly to attract a new mate.

He may have a child with this young fertile women, and that will eat into your resources.

It will happen, and he will feel no guilt for cheating on you because you were the one who broke your precious wedding vows to him.

It will happen, I assure you.

I am an ugly fat guy, but I am financially stable. There are lots of young women who will have sex with me in exchange for dinners out and vacations.

Kimdan

Private Investigator Austin said...

There is never a problem unless someone complains. If it were possible to keep it an absolute secret then I suppose no one gets hurt. However, it must have an impact on your family in other ways, and don't forget that children pick up on things.

However, from my experience as a private investigator specializing in cheating spouses
it is very likely that you will get caught. Some folks use cheating as a way to get out of the marriage by forcing the other party to file for divorce, many times out of fear of initiating the divorce themselves. I would suspect that you still have some resentments toward your husband because he is no longer physically attracted to you.

Though you love your husband you can still be very angry with him too - a dichotomy of emotions which your post is full of. In your post, you make it a point to say you would not be particularly angry if your husband was cheating too but would want to sit down with your husband to discuss why he might be cheating. It's almost like you are repressing your anger verbally but acting it out physically by having affairs and then going on TV.

I lend these observations as a hope that they will be insightful and not judgmental. I wish you the best.

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Kim said...

I agree with investigator.

A person who cheats will eventually be caught.

I also doubt that you would not be angry if you found out your spouse was cheating.

My guess is this blog is no longer updated because your spouse did find out and he divorced you.